The key to the markets is to invest and not obsess over them - but that is from a non-money guy. I have had a lot of money in there, but "lost" a boatload in 2008-2009. "Lost" is sort of a misnomer though, because you really only lose if you take out your money when the market falls.

The trick is to spread and play long. Rather like a pr0n film but without the heavy breathing and "oh yeah"s.

Actually, piss stained mattresses are hot stocks at the moment. Buy, buy, buy!

Shakes head in disbelief and pity for this poor soul.