Trig loses his job, as the monkey finally returns to the zoo.

Ba'athist leader George Galloway sweeps to victory in the Paraguay General Election. His 'Stop the Poor' Coalition is based on the philosophical treatise 'Untitled Document' by St Rendle the Bumlove, canonised in record time by the current Pope, Owen Wibbly.

Travelling back to the present day: Mark Rendle acknowledges that he could be Peter Kay's bumlove.

 

I rest my case.

2052: Peanut, after a lifetime of self-flagellation and coal-eating, finally makes restitution for father Truffy's despoilment of threads in the pursuit of meanness to St Rendle. Truffy is renamed Andy Black 4 in memoriam.

St Rendle, or St Martha the Insipid as she became known after her 'operation', becomes the patron saint of transexuals and grey audi drivers the world over. She is entombed in a small box at the bottom of Pope Peter's magnificent mausoleum, a fitting tribute to his talent.

Peanut becomes CEO of Tampax.

Tampax is renamed "Andy Black 5" in memoriam.

 

The lost city of Atlantis rises from beneath the Guantanamo Sea. King of Atlantis Robert Maxwell joins with the Government of Paraguay in declaring Holy War upon the Vatican and the Allies dispatch a crusade to recover the holy relics of St Rendle the Martha.

 

Elsewhere, peacocks evolve self-awareness and formulate a rudimentary form of language, in which the only adjective is 'spafe'.

Andy Black is assassinated and all traces of him from history are removed.

 

The parakeets are suspiciously quiet.

 

(someone should make this into a storee type thing)

I was assassinated almost 50 years ago. People like you are why they introduced the "doesn't pay attention" tax in 2057.

.. which nobody notices.

The Illumanti cloned you and gave you superhuman clothes hanging powers.

The illuminati descend momentarily from their Ivory tower and quietly arrange for the 'illumanti' to disappear.

 

The parakeets notice, but are unable to claim a rebate on the attention tax, because they can't fill in the requisite ninety-page Inland Revenue form.

Racoon is born.

Racoon is christened 'Andy Black 6' in memoriam of Andy's second assassination by unobservant illumanti.

An invisible star is seen.

Humfrey thrown into Debtor's Gaol in lieu of unobservance-tax arrears centring around the Rendle-died-twenty-posts-ago-gate Scandal.

 

Andy Black renamed 'Mark Rendle' in memoriam.

Unilever finaly work out how to make Pot Noodle taste nice.

I cracked my car up tonight. Lesson OTD: After a blizzard dumps 2 feet in your area, drive in the middle lane of a three lane highway even if the highway is nice and clear. You may be tempted to drive in the fast (3rd land) to pass a tractor trailor but don't because you could end up like me: Very, very lucky but with one smashed up car. I was in the 3rd lane -- knowing that the lane was smaller due to snow on the side I was looking to move to the middle lane -- hit a huge block of fallen snow lost control of the car, veered from the 3rd to the 1st lane, hit the underbelly of a trailor part of a tractor-trailor at 50 MPH, then start spinning uncontrolablely and have no f*cking clue where you are going, go into the middle dip between the East and West bound lanes and smash into a tree. As I lost control and saw I was going to hit the underbelly of the trailor I thought, "This is it. Oh my God, I am going to die." However, the only harm I sustained was a slight bump on the head when the car it the tree but the 2 feet of snow in the median was already slowing it down, so essentially I suffered no harm. My glasses came flying off and I lost the eye pads but they can be replaced. The nice, newish (to me) car suffered great damage and my insurance will raise but that is life (which I am glad I still have).

 

Not checked for spelling or grammar but I am going to bed to rest, so Oh well!

You ruined the thread with that shit story.

 

(Hope you're okay mate)