No, no, you're doing it wrong.
I'm looking for suitable sections of actual Antiques Roadshow shows for censoring:
"This is a very good example of a Victorian ****ing Iron. The master of the house would make **** his **** with it, ensuring that a maid was on hand to ***** the ***** with **** and ***** **** *** *** ** involving a system of pulleys. It's in very good condition, with very little staining of the *****shaft."
Plus a montage of little old ladies beeping when they find out how much stuff is worth.